I tweet. A lot. But I guess if you’ve landed at this blog via Twitter you already know that. Thank you for your patronage.

In the 18 months that I’ve been active on Twitter, I’ve amassed over 1200 followers (most of those actual people) and I’m currently following almost as many (and I’m sure most of them are real people as well). With that many people screaming out into the universe across my time line, there are bound to be a handful of A-Holes, most of whom fall into very specific categories. I swear on everything I hold sacred (TV, lip gloss & the color “pink”) these people get on my reserve nerve.  I’m not judging these folks because I don’t think I know them well enough to do that, but I am definitely judging the sh*t outta the crap they post on Twitter. I can’t stand their tweets and I hope their accounts get hacked and/or deleted, because they are Epic Fail Whales, all on their own.

And before any of you even TRY to “go there” with me, yes I do delete folks who irritate me, everyday. But what seems to happen is I take a chance on following somebody new and I end up with a new dud. It’s a never-ending cycle.

The Five Most Epic Fail Whales On Twitter

1.) Oh, You’re Soooo Emo!

Why you so sad? Better yet, why the f*ck do you have to be so sad on Twitter? Mondays are hard enough without you, your tiny violin and Tweets of Lamentations. What exactly are you looking for, commiseration or pity? A new pair of shoes? Either way, you’re casting a dark cloud on the Twitterscape and it’s making people uncomfortable. Get thee to thine journal.

2.) The Hater Culture

This isn’t a phenomenon unique to Twitter, not at all. We’ve been hearing about this imagined personal affront for a few years now. The widespread popularity of Twitter has just allowed people to espouse this foolishness in real time. For the life of me, I can’t imagine why anybody believes that someone hates them. They are delusional and confused. If you’re so “great” and your life is so “fab” like you truly believe, how could think you’re hated? You’re supposed to be loved because you are awesome. So very awesome. And even if this “hate” is REAL, why would you let “the haters be your motivators”…then TWEET ABOUT IT??  Ctrl+Alt+Delete your Twitter account/ego/general existence. You look dumb.

3.) Provincial Posers

These are some of the lamest people on Twitter. These are people who are so dull, they only follow the friends they already have from around the way. They couldn’t branch out if they tried…their minds are way too small. They spend most of their time tweeting ignorant, myopic sh*t amongst themselves and shouting out their run-of-the mill activities. *Yawn* That’s the same ratchet ass club you were at a week ago and it’s still not interesting. I think you’re pretending (especially those Provincial Posers in DC #iSeeYou!) because you’re selling it way too hard. Who are you trying to convince? #dontanswerthat

4.) Tweet Monitors

“Damn, you tweet a lot!” Oh really? Bitch, shut up and unfollow me. Really, how would you know how much I tweet if you weren’t on Twitter your damn self? And yes, it would appear to you with your numbers reading  42 followers, 71 following and 312 tweets that I tweet a lot. Twitter is a social networking tool, and I use it as such. I don’t sit back and watch my time go by, with nothing to offer but to tell a popular person on Twitter that they tweet a lot. You’re probably just as boring in real life, so please don’t speak to me. As a matter of fact…**block**.

5.) Subliminal Twitter Antics

I hate this sh*t with a passion. Anyone engaging in “sub tweeting” is a lazy, lame ass coward. You wanna say it, but you won’t? WTF is that about? I can’t stand a half-assed anything. I bet you think you’re goin’ hard, don’t you? Guess what, you’re not. The fact that you aren’t direct in your confrontation and hide behind ambiguous tweets negates your confrontation altogether. Go back to the beginning of your psuedo-gangsta, regroup and start again because you are failing.

I’m gonna stop here, because truly this list could go on for at least 4 more points and Family Guy just came on TV. I didn’t even mention the chronic misspellings and the attitudes that come along with them, Bourgie People, the Dream Killers, those with Oppositional Defiant Disorder  or the whores/scamps/trollops/skanks and messy tweets (nah, I like messiness).

What other kinds of Epic Fail Whales can you add to the list?

~pbg